


Friendly Rivalry and Cheesy Pickup Lines

by ProdigyBlood



Category: South Park
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Teeny tiny amount of Stutters, friendly rivals, terrible chat up lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 05:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15943133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProdigyBlood/pseuds/ProdigyBlood
Summary: When hot new kid, Kyle Broflovski, starts at South Park high, Kenny and Bebe decide to take it upon themselves to try and be the first to get his number





	Friendly Rivalry and Cheesy Pickup Lines

**Author's Note:**

  * For [panaceaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/panaceaa/gifts).



> Happy Birthday Panaceaa! You’ve been so lovely since I stumbled across your fantastic stories a couple of months ago that I wanted to repay you in some way. I hope you enjoy this cute little fic, dude <3 
> 
> (I need to write for other people more often. I was on a roll, man!)

There was a new kid at South Park High. Not just a new kid but a _hot_ new kid. 

Everyone was talking about it. In a school as small as theirs, a hot new piece of ass was more than worthy of being the gossip of the week after all. 

And nobody was gossiping harder than Kenny McCormick.

He hadn’t talked to the boy but he _had_ caught sight of him walking down the corridor with Stan Marsh and, damn, that really was one _fine_ ass. A thing of beauty, really. The sort of ass that deserved to be framed and readily available for Kenny’s viewing pleasures. 

The problem was, he’d have to fight Bebe Stevens for it and, if the new kid was straight, that was going to prove to be a problem. Hell, even if he _wasn’t_ straight it could prove an issue. Bebe was a formidable adversary. She was gorgeous, smart, fierce and absolutely fucking _relentless._

Then again, they weren’t friendly rivals for the spot of school flirt for nothing. 

Kenny could be an unstoppable force when he wanted to be. 

“Wanna bet on who gets his number first?” Bebe asked, eyes twinkling mischievously as she leaned over the lunch table to tuck a strand of blond back behind Kenny’s parka hood. 

“Now, fellas, I don’t know if that’s a good idea – ” Butters Stotch was ever the voice of reason, trying to spoil their fun. 

“Aw, don’t be a spoilsport, Butterscotch~!” Kenny pouted playfully and slipped an arm around the other boy. Leaning his head on Butters shoulder, he turned his attention back to Bebe. “Sure you wanna risk losing?”

Bebe snorted in the most unladylike fashion. “In your dreams, Kenny.”

Just then, Stan Marsh entered the cafeteria, followed closely by a certain, tall, redheaded newcomer. Bebe adjusted her cleavage and threw a confidant wink at Kenny. “Stan! Hey, come sit with us!” 

Stan stared apprehensively at their table. He sat with them occasionally, but only when Wendy was present. He relaxed a little when Kenny threw him an easy smile and muttered something to Kyle, who nodded. The pair made their way over. 

“Hey Ken,” Stan said, sliding in next to him. “Hey guys. Do you all know Kyle Broflovski?” 

“No but I want to,” Bebe said, almost hungrily. She leaned over to shake Kyle’s hand, purposely flashing her impressive cleavage as she did. An unfair advantage, Kenny thought, not that he minded the view. He did love Bebe’s boobs. “Bebe Stevens,” she introduced. 

Not wanting to be outdone, Kenny unraveled from Butters and put his hand on Kyle’s wrist to claim his attention, purposely stroking the flesh. “Kenny McCormick,” he purred. “Say, was your mother a beaver? Because _daaaamn._ ” 

Stan was already pinching his nose and they’d barely even started. 

Poor Kyle Broflovski just looked confused. 

Bebe laughed loudly and rolled her eyes. Kenny couldn’t tell if she was impressed or embarrassed by his use of such a terrible chat up line. Probably a bit of both. Kenny, himself, was currently a bit of both. At least until Kyle ripped his own hand away; then Kenny was just feeling disappointed and a little hurt. He brushed it off easily. 

“So where did you move here from, fella?” Butters asked, sending a subtle warning glance at both Bebe and Kenny. Ah, daddy Butters had spoken, it was time for the children to stop their rivalry.

Kenny kicked Butters.

The problem was, over the years Butters had grown rather confidant. He just kicked Kenny right back. 

“Goddamn!” Kenny bit his lip and ducked his head, trying to hide the fact that his eyes were watering. Kyle shot him an uneasy look, clearly very concerned with why Stan had brought him over to sit with a bunch of nutters, and then turned to answer Butters question. 

“Jersey. Mam wanted a change so here we are.”

“Jersey, huh? You guys as wild as I hear?”

“Jesus, Kenny. You can’t just ask people if they’re wild,” Bebe said, apparently trying a different tact as she read Kyle’s expression. Kenny knew she was just altering a quote from Mean Girls, though. 

“Was an innocent question.”

“Do you follow all your innocent questions with winks?” 

“Look, I don’t know what game you two are playing but can you cut it out?!” Apparently Kyle had had enough. He stood abruptly, his face just a shade lighter than the hair poking out from under his ushanka. “You’ve picked the wrong new guy to try mess with, ya cabbages.” 

With that he stormed off, leaving an opened mouth Kenny and Bebe to follow him with their eyes.

“What did we do?” Kenny pouted, turning to Stan, who was gathering his things to follow his new friend. 

“What you always do. Treat people like they’re a game to be won instead of real people. Look, guys, I like you, I do, but you can be massive assholes sometimes. Not you, Butters. You’re cool.” 

Looking chuffed, Butters waved a goodbye to Stan as he hurried away. 

“Are you _blushing_?” Kenny shoved Butters a touch harder than necessary and turned back to his modest lunch. 

Was he an asshole? He certainly didn’t try to be.

He only looked up again as he felt Bebe’s foot come to a rest on his thigh. “Bet’s still on, dickwad.” 

 

It turned out Kenny had English with Kyle. This should have been a good thing, but the redhead took one look at Kenny and navigated his way to the opposite side of the classroom, taking a seat next to Heidi Turner. Kenny sighed and pulled at the strings of his parka, Stan’s words repeating in his head once more. 

He’d only been harmlessly flirting, right? Everyone loved it when Kenny flirted with them. Or, at least, he _thought_ they did. 

“Hey, Tucker,” he hissed, glancing up at the teacher to make sure she was occupied. “You like it when I flirt with you, right?”

“What do you think, asswipe?” Craig then turned his attention away and refused to acknowledge Kenny again. 

That was fine, that didn’t mean anything. Craig Tucker was an asshole. 

He turned instead to Red. “You appreciate my flirting, right?” 

“I appreciate more than that,” Red said, her lips turning up at the corners. 

Ego thoroughly stroked, Kenny turned back his attention back to Kyle and preceded to ignore everything the teacher said in favour of watching him. 

The redhead had taken off his hat. Kenny didn’t care for his slicked back hair, but he had a damn nice neck. He couldn’t help but fantasise about kissing it. He could run his fingers down that neck all day. That and –

“Which is what, Kenny?”

“Kyle’s hot ass,” Kenny blurted as he realised the teacher was talking to him. The words escaped his mouth before he had a chance to stop them and, as the class erupted in laughter, Kenny felt his cheeks heat up. He would have brushed it off as a joke, perhaps even stood up and bowed, if it hadn’t been for the look Kyle shot him in that moment. If looks could kill… 

Instead, Kenny pulled the hood of his parka tighter and sunk down into his chair. He didn’t hear another word the teacher said and he didn’t dare glance at Kyle again for the rest of class. 

 

Kenny met up with Butters at the school gates at the end of the day. 

“Can you help me skip town, Leo?” 

“There there, fella. It can’t be _that_ bad.” Butters patted him on the back. 

“I think Kyle wants to skin me alive. And not in a sexy way.”

“Is it possible for that to be sexy?” Butters frowned and started guiding Kenny from the school grounds, his arm staying tightly around his friend. 

“I don’t even know anymore,” Kenny wailed. He wasn’t sure why he was still so humiliated from English. He’d been embarrassed before, hell, he’d even been rejected before. It wasn’t as if he _knew_ Kyle. He was just the hot new kid. A stranger. It didn’t matter what he thought about Kenny. 

So why did he feel so crap? 

“It’ll all be better in the morning, Ken, I promise.” 

Just then, because the universe clearly hated him, Stan and Kyle passed them. Kyle’s eyes narrowed as he caught sight of Kenny, who buried his head further into Butters shoulder, wishing the air would just swallow him up. 

Great, he’d managed to make the new kid hate him and, even worse, for some reason that knowledge pained him. Kenny tried his damn best not to let it bother him what people thought about him and yet, the fact that this practical stranger clearly wanted to throttle him hurt in a way Kenny couldn’t comprehend. 

_Why_ did he care?

Butters kept his arm firmly around Kenny as they walked but, eventually, they had to part ways. And, typically, Kyle seemed to be walking the same way as Kenny. What, did the guy live next door to him or something?

As it turned out, yes. Yes he did. 

Kenny could have screamed. 

“Are you following me or something?!” Kyle, who had been heading to his front door, rounded angrily on Kenny. Surprised, Kenny took a step backwards. He tugged at his parka strings nervously.

“Uh no, dude. I just live – ” Instead of finishing speaking, he just gestured towards the tracks. As Kyle’s eyes widened in realisation, Kenny dropped his gaze, shifting the weight between his feet. For someone who faced confrontation like he lived for it as Mysterion, as Kenny he shied away from it like it would kill him dead. Seeing as he was Kenny McCormick, it probably _would._

“Oh. I’m, uh. Sorry,” Kyle said awkwardly, kicking the ground. “I didn’t realise.”

“No problem, neighbour,” Kenny said quickly, internally cringing. “I should – ” He gestured again, careful to avoid making eye contact. 

Kyle had beautiful green eyes. If Kenny looked into them he’d be lost forever. If Kyle didn’t already think Kenny was a weirdo, having him gawp at him wouldn’t help his case. 

“Sure. Uh, see you?” 

Kenny nodded stiffly and then all but ran across the tracks and into his shithole of a house. He couldn’t help but picture Kyle’s expression as he realised that Kenny lived in that building he’d probably thought was long abandoned with the rest of SoDoSoPa. 

 

Fresh faced the next day, Kenny decided to try his luck again. It wasn’t even about the bet with Bebe. He actually just found himself wanting to get Kyle’s number for his own sake. 

At the end of lunch he went out of his way to cross paths with Kyle. 

“Broflovski!” He caught the redheads attention. “On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?” 

Kyle gave him a dirty look and walked away without replying. 

Bebe walked passed him and patted him on the back. “He probably just doesn’t like dick,” she said, but her large smile ruined the consoling vibe she’d probably been going for. 

 

In his next English class, Kenny decided to try a different approach. He didn’t so much as glance at Kyle. Instead, he paid attention and put his hand up every time the teacher asked a question. He didn’t know what surprised her more, that he was actively trying to take part, or that he gave her the correct answer every. single. time. 

Kenny swept out of class before Kyle, his parka hood up but his head held high. He was certain he could feel a pair of eyes burning into him as he walked away so he made sure to put on a show as he left. Red’s whistle that followed him out suggested he’d done a good job. 

Kyle might have had the nicest ass in the school, but Kenny’s wasn’t half bad. 

 

The next week followed much the same. Neither Kenny nor Bebe had managed to get Kyle’s number, but Kenny was certain he was getting closer. The afternoon before, Kyle had even walked home with him. Sure, it had been in silence, and he hadn’t even said goodbye when he’d turned towards his front door but Kenny was sure he’d felt Kyle’s gaze on him whenever his own was fixed on the path ahead. 

He also hadn’t looked like he wanted to punch Kenny the last handful of times he’d casually thrown out a terrible chat up line, so that was a bonus. 

Kenny would take it. 

He had fun discussing progress with Bebe over the phone. Much to his amusement and immense relief, Kyle would apparently turn and hightail the other way whenever Bebe tried to swander over. Even her famous hip wiggle that was enough to bring Kenny to his knees and worship her was not working. The beautiful blonde had begrudgingly accepted that perhaps she wasn’t going to win this one. 

“If he’s going to date anyone, I hope it’s you, dude,” she said. Kenny started to smile but, before she hung up she added, “I’m not giving up yet, though. I want me some of that beautiful ass!” 

 

“You’re wearing a skirt.” Kenny looked up, startled, as Kyle Broflovski slid his lunch tray down next to his own. 

“And?” His tone came out sharp, defensively. Kyle winced and almost looked as if he were about to pick his tray up again. “Sorry!” Kenny blurted, suddenly desperate for the redhead to stay put. He didn’t know why Kyle was choosing to sit with him, but he didn’t want to screw it up before he’d even started. 

“I didn’t mean to sound judgmental, dude,” Kyle said. “It just… surprised me.”

“I wear them sometimes,” Kenny said into the fluff of his hood, looking down at his own tray. Compared to Kyle’s it was almost empty, holding just an apple and orange. “Dresses too.”

“Always with the parka?” Kyle enquired, not unkindly. 

Kenny shrugged. “I take it off sometimes.” Yeah, at _home_ , around his family. 

“Where are your friends?” Kyle changed the subject, glancing around the empty table. 

“I think Butters is with Cartman,” Kenny said. He noticed Kyle’s hand curl into fists. “Not a fan, I take it?”

“I’m this close to punching that fucking cabbage in the face.” 

Kenny laughed. “He called you daywalker yet?”

“Among other things.” Kyle ground his teeth.

“Yeah, he’s a real asshole.”

“You can say that again.” Was that a softness in the Jersey boys tone? Kenny dared to look up and see that Kyle was smiling at him. “What about your other friends?”

“I don’t really have other friends.” Kenny shrugged again, like it was no big deal. 

“What about Bebe?” 

“We’re more like friendly rivals. Though as you’re sitting here, I’m sure she’ll be along soon. Where’s Stan?”

“Wendy wanted to talk to him.”

“Ah. That time again already?”

“Huh?”

“You don’t know? Wendy and Stan are notorious for breaking up. It’s their thing. Sometimes I wonder whether they only get together so that they can break up again.” 

“Hm. Weird.” Kyle picked at his fries. He glanced at Kenny’s tray. “Not hungry?”

“Nope,” Kenny said easily. Fortunately his stomach didn’t betray him. Even so, Kyle didn’t look convinced. He pushed his fries over so that they were closer to Kenny. 

“Help yourself. I’m not that hungry either.”

Kenny felt his stomach flutter. A little hesitantly, he reached for a fry. Just as he plopped it into his mouth, Bebe flopped down next to Kyle. Without asking, she reached over and grabbed a fry for herself, plopping it into her mouth. 

“I’m starving,” she said, very obviously pushing herself closer to Kyle on the bench.

“Go buy some food then,” Kenny said, trying to subtly tell her to take a hike with his eyes. She poked her tongue out at him from behind Kyle’s back and made no effort to move. 

“So how’s your second week going?” she asked Kyle, lightly touching his arm. 

“Okay I guess.” Was it Kenny’s imagination or was Kyle’s answer to her a little stiff. He hadn’t been guarded when talking to Kenny, had he? 

“Well if you ever need help, or advice, or a _date_ or anything, hit me up, okay?” She slid a piece of paper across the table. Kenny narrowed his eyes. That dirty cheater. 

Before Kyle could even take the paper, let alone say anything in return, Stan and Butters entered the cafeteria. Butters was clearly comforting the other.

“Huh, I guess Wendy broke up with him,” Bebe said, standing up. “I better go check on her.” 

Mentally thanking Stan and Butters for their perfect timing, Kenny debated whether he could casually sweep Bebe’s number onto the floor without Kyle noticing. He seemed to have forgotten all about it, his eyes on Stan as the pair sat down. 

“You okay, dude?”

Stan nodded glumly but didn’t reply. 

“He’ll be fine, won’t ya, fella?” Butters kept his hands on Stan’s arm and Kenny smiled knowingly. Butters hadn’t had a relationship since elementary school and Kenny was pretty sure it’s because he was waiting for a certain someone to return his feelings. As much as Kenny liked Wendy, he hoped that one day Stan would wake up and see what was in front of him instead of pining after a relationship that was clearly never going to work out. 

“Cute skirt today, Ken,” Butters said brightly, turning his attention away from Stan. 

“Thank you, Leo!” Kenny beamed. From the corner of his eye he noticed Kyle scowl and felt his heart sink. Now what had he done wrong? He wondered whether running hot and cold was a Jersey thing. 

“I need to get going,” Kyle said, picking up his tray. The only plus was that he left Bebe’s number on the table as he departed. 

“Stan, dude, please explain Kyle’s deal,” Kenny begged.

“How the fuck should I know?” Stan said into his arms. Apparently that was all the help he was going to be. Kenny stood up.

“Catch you later,” he said to Butters. He slid his uneaten apple and orange into his pockets and left the cafeteria.

He found himself walking towards the back of the school where the goth kids usually hung around smoking. They were suspiciously absent today; probably ditching school to hang about Tweek Bros. 

Kenny sat down on the fire exit stairs and pulled the apple from his pocket, twisting it by it’s stem. 

He couldn’t work Kyle Broflovski out one bit. One minute he seemed to hate Kenny and the next they were friends. He wasn’t even sure why he cared. Sure, he was very good looking but otherwise, he seemed like a complete jerk. Jerk wasn’t Kenny’s type. Except, he’d totally had a little thing for Craig Tucker and Craig was the biggest jerk he knew. 

Kenny sighed. Maybe jerk was his type after all. _Great._

“Oh. Um…” Looking up, Kenny saw Kyle standing in front of him like a deer caught in headlights. “I didn’t expect anyone to be back here.”

“This is the goths smoking area. You don’t smoke do you?” Kenny asked glumly, returning his attention to his apple. 

“No. I was just – ” He didn’t finish his sentence. Most of their exchanges seemed to be unfinished sentences. 

“I’m sorry if I did something wrong at lunch, dude,” Kenny found himself blurting out as it looked like Kyle was about to leave again. 

“Huh?”

“You left pretty sharpish. I don’t know what I did, but sorry.” 

Kyle shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned against the nearest wall, looking anywhere but at Kenny. “Are you dating Butters?”

“What?!” If Kenny had been drinking he would have spat it out. He looked up, noticing the light pink tinge to Kyle’s cheeks. “Hell no! Leo and I are just friends! He’s totally got a boner for Stan, dude.” 

“Oh.” Kyle’s green eyes found Kenny’s. 

Yup. He could really get lost in them. 

“You just seem very close.”

“We are close. Strictly in a friendly way though. I’ve never touched his dick!” Sometimes Kenny wished he could sew his mouth shut before it ran off and got him into trouble. Fortunately, though, Kyle snorted. It was quite an unattractive noise, but it only warmed Kenny’s heart towards him further. 

“So what’s yours and Bebe’s game?”

“What game?”

“Are you screwing around with me or what?”

“No dude. It’s just, we both fancy you.” Kenny felt his cheeks heat up again and tugged on his parka strings, drawing his hood closed tighter around his face. Why the hell had he just said that? _Oh god…_

Kyle looked at him for a long moment, like he was trying to decide something. 

“You should lower your hood sometimes,” he said finally. “You’re pretty cute.”

“…I am?” Okay, now he just wanted to sink further into his parka. He’s called plenty of people cute in his days but he couldn’t remember the last time anyone other than Butters had said it to him. 

Kyle came over at sat down next to Kenny, close enough so that their knee’s could nudge. “For the record, Bebe isn’t my type.” 

“She’s not?” 

“Dude, I noticed you right away. The first hour of my first day. It’s just I thought you were screwing with me.”

“What made you think that?”

“I dunno, your competition with Bebe and your god awful chat up lines, maybe?” 

“Low blow. Those chat up lines are amazing!”

Kyle snorted again. Kenny decided it was his favourite sound in the world. “In your dreams, dude.” 

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while. Unbeknownst to one another, each kept stealing glances at the other. 

Eventually Kyle broke the silence. “So what was the prize?”

“Prize?”

“For whichever one of you won?”

“Won what?” Kenny asked, frowning. 

“Whatever bet you and Bebe had?”

“Oh,” it finally clicked. “You’re not mad?”

“Not particularly,” Kyle shrugged. 

“It was only a bet to see which one of us could get your number,” Kenny said defensively, despite the fact that Kyle claimed he wasn’t mad. “We hadn’t discussed prizes.”

“Well, surely _I’d_ be the prize?” 

Kenny locked eyes with Kyle. Yup, he was definitely a prize, alright. 

“Pass your phone,” Kyle said, not breaking eye contact. At Kenny’s confused look, he laughed. “I’m giving you my number, idiot. You win, congratulations.”

Kenny’s jaw dropped. He only remembered to shut his mouth after he numbly handed over his cell to Kyle. 

As Kyle handed his phone back, Kenny made a decision. A little hesitantly, he lifted his hands to his hood and lowered it. He was chewing on his lip when he dared to turn to face Kyle, but stopped as he saw the small smile that decorated his face. 

Kyle reached out and brushed a strand of Kenny’s hair behind his ear. “I was right. You really are cute.” 

“Can I claim my prize now then?” Kenny asked in a tone that was mixed with uncertainty and cheek. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” 

Kyle leaned forward and brushed his lips against Kenny’s. Butterflies erupted in his stomach and Kenny was pretty sure he actually swooned. 

They parted much too soon for Kenny’s liking, but he guessed it didn’t matter. He could kiss the new boy as much as he wanted from now on, right? Kyle was his _prize_ after all. 

“Hey Kyle?”

“Hm?”

“I’m not a photographer but I can picture us together.”

Kyle thumped his shoulder lightly, rolling his eyes. Before Kenny could protest, the redhead grabbed a fistful of orange parka and pulled Kenny back towards him.

If his cheesy chat up lines were going to result in kisses each time then he was just going to have to think up a whole load more, wasn’t he? 

Kenny couldn’t _wait_ to rub it in Bebe’s face. It would be so much fun. 

…Maybe he’d even let her supply some terrible pickup lines. What were friendly rivals for, anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> The next day, Bebe: I’m not gonna stop checking out his ass, you know.  
> Kenny, horrified: Of course not! That one damn fine ass!


End file.
